I have come to a realization over the past few weeks that has really upset me but also motivated me. I’ve realized that I have very little confidence in myself. In the past I was a pretty good athlete without working too incredibly hard and that brought me confidence. Once I stopped playing sports, I stopped taking care of myself but I had other things preoccupying my time. I was in college and spending time with my friends and wasn’t very focused on myself. Once I came out, my attention was aimed towards my changes and all of the learning and growing that comes from that time in a trans man’s life. Now that I’m basically post transition, I have circled back around and started focusing on myself and my body again.
Without sports, I feel like I’m missing something, and I’ve been depressed for a while about my current state of physical being. In January I started running and working out at the gym, and I started feeling great. I completed 2 of the 3 races that I set a goal to complete, I lost weight, and I started feeling confidence but it soon faded. I still feel like I’m missing something. Because I want to find that missing link, I decided to sign up for an on-ramp session at a crossfit gym near my house scheduled for tomorrow.
I spent all weekend thinking about it. At first I was excited because it’s something that will push me harder than I have ever been pushed, but as time went on a sense of dread and anxiety fell over me. I wasn’t excited anymore, instead I started thinking of reasons why I should quit before I even started. This morning I woke up bummed out. I came to terms with the fact that I’m a quitter. I was never a quitter before, so why is this happening now? It all boils down to my confidence. Why am I so scared? Clearly it’s a fear of failure. My logic was, “why start things when I could fail, I’m chill just the way I am.” Well this is stupid, and I’m honestly embarrassed that I even think this way. The way I see myself has changed and I’m unhappy with it.
I spent this entire day trying to process this loser attitude. It took literally saying the words out loud, ” I don’t think I’ll be good enough compared to the other men there.” I’ve already started comparing myself to others, something that I have tried to stop doing. I feel like I’m not fit enough, not big enough, not strong enough, not motivated enough, and not good enough to compare to these men. How pitiful. I’m scared to start something new and be the worst at it, and I’m scared that I will never match up to other people there. This attitude has absolutely spread to other aspects of my life. This thought process has ruined many chances to explore relationships (friendly and romantic) with others. I don’t feel smart enough or good enough to do well in grad school. I don’t advocate for myself in any way, outside of transition related matters.
It’s a hard pill to swallow and I feel weaker mentally than I ever have. I’m so cripplingly anxious about working on myself and working on my discipline that I feel miserable. This only means one thing to me: I need to get the hell over myself. I need to push myself and not give a shit about what happens. I need to stop comparing myself to others. I need to stop thinking that I am less-than. So tomorrow at 7pm, I am going to go to the gym and make a fool of myself, but I’m going to start learning how to push myself and to accept failure. And most importantly, I’m going to learn self confidence. I’m really scared that I will give up, but I can’t keep doing that. I won’t.