One week post op – pain is beauty

OUCH!

Well, actually, the feel I have isn’t what I would classify as pain just severe discomfort.  I’m really thankful it’s not searing pain, as I expected.  I have some pretty epic tightness in my chest (most likely from this compression vest that I have to wear for 3 more weeks… ugh).  My pecs are so swollen that I feel a lot of tightness and tenderness there too, especially near my incisions.  The bruising and swelling isnt TOO bad, but it hurts.  I went and had my chest drained today (which was terrifying) and the surgeon pressed around my chest and the bruising just SUCKS right now.  So tender. 

My entire chest feels like when your foot falls asleep and you start walking on it and has that painful numbness that you just can’t shake.  When the surgeon was pushing on it, a few tears came to my eyes because it was just really scary feeling actually.  I’m sure as time goes on it won’t hurt anymore, I am just getting ahead of myself!

The nipples are going to shed a layer of skin, which sounds scary but the doctor said its normal and not to worry! I think my biggest problem with my recovery is myself.  When pain is involved, I tend to shy away from doing something that could potentially cause harm to me (like normal people typically do), and so now I am not pushing myself enough.  I am going to start pushing myself more and more each day.  It will be a rebirth. 

Emotionally, I’m drained.  My body is freaking out, I’m exhausted most of the time, and the excitement hasn’t quite set in because I’m still in some pain.  But it’s coming.  I know that soon enough I am going to have this emotional breakthrough where everything in my life feels like a dream.  It’s already starting to happen, slowly but surely.

When I sit back and think deeply about the twists and turns my life has taken the last few years, I have trouble processing it all.  And now look at me.  I’m a new person completely.  I have come so far. I am so tough. I am so brave.  I don’t feel stupid calling myself all those names because I’ve powered through some serious shit the past year, and especially the past week.  I have overcome fears, I have learned myself, I have loved myself, and I will continue to learn and love and unfold myself for the rest of my life.  All of these years I have spent so much time loving other people that I haven’t taken enough time to look in the mirror.  I finally like what I see.  This is a real pain in the ass, but in the end it will work out.

 

Pain is beauty.  It just took getting my chest reconstructed to actually understand it.

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Honesty

I’ve come to realize that honesty and expressing your feelings is the best and most healthy thing you can do.  For so long I spent my days just holding everything in, and ever since my transition i have learned to value truth. Being true to myself and my identity was the first truthful thing I think I ever did, and since then I feel like I can express anything. Even in my personal life I have been finding it to be so important to just tell people what I feel.  I’m currently learning that holding back in the past has really limited me.  Now with a new future ahead, with everything up in the air, I feel like I can be 100% true to what I want, and who I want.  I’m letting it ALL out, and I’m loving every second of it.

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First shower :)

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Before and after

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I’m brave as shit. But couldn’t have done this without all the beautiful people in my life . Thank you.

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Surgery in 14 hours

This is a lot and I still haven’t felt it all sink in but maybe that’s a good thing.

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An ode to my body

Dear body,

I love you. You are healthy and you are strong. I want to let you know that I am thankful for everything you have done for me. Throughout the years I have tested you. Whether it be abusing you during my days as an athlete or pumping you with chemicals to change your composition, you have still managed to be strong for me. During this transition I have focused on my brain and thoughts and have forgotten to thank you. With surgery in just a couple weeks we will be having our final change. I’m sorry for all that I’ve put you through, but after this you will be perfect to me. Scars and all. You are my story book. You are my life’s photo album. I love you.

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