I apologize for not updating for quite some time. Something I have disliked about other transition bloggers is that when they reach a certain point, they just fall off the face of the Earth. I’ve reached that point, but have decided to pull myself back into the blogging world, so that I can continue documenting what lies ahead. I had my revision in October and to me it came out flawless. Being able to put my chest worries behind me is without a shadow of a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me. Now I must just continue forward in my relationship, hobbies, and most importantly, working on bettering myself. Although I may be coming together physically, over the past 6 months I have learned countless things about myself (outside of my transition) that have literally baffled me. I need to take a good long look at what I want, what I’m willing to do, who I am willing to be, and who I will put effort into. I guess you could say that all my troubles now are less gender related, and more everyday life situations that need to be handled with care. Since I consider myself “post transition” I have found it hard moving forward because for years my transition was a dream, then a reality, then a battle, and now I’m free of it and I feel lost. I don’t know how to handle new situations, even though they might be easy for others. I will continue moving forward, and I will make sure to not only blog transition related issues, but also new developments with growing up in general. Being a few months shy of 25, I feel the pressure.
My eyes were opened during a discussion I was having yesterday. I have spent so much time convincing myself that I am no different than any other man, that I become defensive every time somebody suggests otherwise. To me, I am like any other man, sans penis. Well, that just isn’t true. Life experiences are what make men, and mine are different than others. Being transgender, I have an underlying sadness deep within that does not exist in other men. It’s the sadness of a lifetime of confusion and emotional pain, that only trans people can understand. It’s inexplicable to almost everybody. I forget these things, because I feel so confident in myself now. Even though my surgery recovery has been a disaster, and I am having another surgery in October to fix the mistakes made in April, I am very body confident for the most part (minus the chub). When you feel good about yourself, you forget the skeletons looming in every corner.
During my conversation last night, she said “I have to make the decision to be in a relationship with somebody who is transgender.” My inital reaction was to be upset and hurt, even though she said nothing wrong. When my transition influences anything in my life, I find it makes me upset because it is mine and nobody elses to judge. However, I have spent so much time being so introspective, I have realized that in fact, she does have to make a decision to be in a relationship with a transgender person. Even though I see it as no different than being in a relationship with anybody else, I know that I am wrong.
Sex isn’t the only thing that is different. There are various responsibilities when it comes to being transgender amidst transition, and a partner would have to share responsibility and show compassion. There is also baggage, and I hate to call it that. There are a multitude of things that are trans* specific. Another may be the acceptance of the trans* partner into their group of family and friends. There are many different dimensions, that I choose not to see. All I want is to be normal, but the uniqueness of my situation is also something that I love. It makes me think that I did not appreciate my last partner for making the sacrifice to be with somebody like me. I feel a genuine guilt for not putting her feelings and thought into consideration, but at the same time, the first year of my transition was mine. I felt it okay to be selfish because for once in my life, I was able to. With my new love, I have learned from past mistakes, and have learned to show appreciation for the struggle we will be embarking on together. It’s no longer just me and my transition with a partner to make ME feel better, but now it’s a partner who I want to care for, and sometimes even put my feelings aside. I like this way better.
Dating somebody who is transgender is definitely a decision, but so is dating anybody. I’m glad we had the discussion last night because it helps me see that I’m not the only person in this. I effect everybody I am in contact with. She opens my eyes every day.
One thing that I have been working on is being open and sharing myself with people. My whole life I have been closed off and very secretive. It was never healthy, so now that I am proactively working on being open, I feel a lot better. I just hope and pray that people will accept me in my entirety.