My eyes were opened during a discussion I was having yesterday. I have spent so much time convincing myself that I am no different than any other man, that I become defensive every time somebody suggests otherwise. To me, I am like any other man, sans penis. Well, that just isn’t true. Life experiences are what make men, and mine are different than others. Being transgender, I have an underlying sadness deep within that does not exist in other men. It’s the sadness of a lifetime of confusion and emotional pain, that only trans people can understand. It’s inexplicable to almost everybody. I forget these things, because I feel so confident in myself now. Even though my surgery recovery has been a disaster, and I am having another surgery in October to fix the mistakes made in April, I am very body confident for the most part (minus the chub). When you feel good about yourself, you forget the skeletons looming in every corner.
During my conversation last night, she said “I have to make the decision to be in a relationship with somebody who is transgender.” My inital reaction was to be upset and hurt, even though she said nothing wrong. When my transition influences anything in my life, I find it makes me upset because it is mine and nobody elses to judge. However, I have spent so much time being so introspective, I have realized that in fact, she does have to make a decision to be in a relationship with a transgender person. Even though I see it as no different than being in a relationship with anybody else, I know that I am wrong.
Sex isn’t the only thing that is different. There are various responsibilities when it comes to being transgender amidst transition, and a partner would have to share responsibility and show compassion. There is also baggage, and I hate to call it that. There are a multitude of things that are trans* specific. Another may be the acceptance of the trans* partner into their group of family and friends. There are many different dimensions, that I choose not to see. All I want is to be normal, but the uniqueness of my situation is also something that I love. It makes me think that I did not appreciate my last partner for making the sacrifice to be with somebody like me. I feel a genuine guilt for not putting her feelings and thought into consideration, but at the same time, the first year of my transition was mine. I felt it okay to be selfish because for once in my life, I was able to. With my new love, I have learned from past mistakes, and have learned to show appreciation for the struggle we will be embarking on together. It’s no longer just me and my transition with a partner to make ME feel better, but now it’s a partner who I want to care for, and sometimes even put my feelings aside. I like this way better.
Dating somebody who is transgender is definitely a decision, but so is dating anybody. I’m glad we had the discussion last night because it helps me see that I’m not the only person in this. I effect everybody I am in contact with. She opens my eyes every day.
One thing that I have been working on is being open and sharing myself with people. My whole life I have been closed off and very secretive. It was never healthy, so now that I am proactively working on being open, I feel a lot better. I just hope and pray that people will accept me in my entirety.
So I have actually gone into the hyperbaric everyday since surgery and will probably go in everyday until I leave for San Fran next Friday. I go for an hour and a half each day and I think it’s working because the leaking and swelling have gone down but still it’s leaking and swollen. I’m really praying for a miracle that it stops healing in a week. Pain is minimal but still stiff and tender but nothing to be alarmed about. The holes are slowly getting smaller, pulled fat out of one 2 days ago really praying that’s the last of that. Overall the results are getting a bit getter and I’m happy. The surgical team and nurses have been so great i don’t mind all that much that I have to see them every single day.
Just for documentation purposes the antibiotics I have been on during all of this:
4. Vancomycin (found out I’m allergic in the hospital I turned purple and itchy and hives)
I have developed a pretty disgusting rash all along by back and shoulders and the doctor told me if it doesn’t clear in a day to stop taking zyvox but I think it just comes from wearing the same few surgical vests for the past 2 damn months.
Time heals all wounds but I just really freaking wish it would hurry up so I am healthy for San Francisco. Please.
To sum it up, I spent last weekend in the hospital with an infection in my chest (cellulitis among other things) and fell in love with all my nurses. I was discharged last Monday, then had another surgery on WEDNESDAY, to clean out my chest and put drains in. Put drains in, started hyperbaric chamber sessions Friday. Have gone everyday since then, last session tomorrow morning. Had one drain taken out Saturday and the other one taken out today. Hopefully this helps my healing. Stay tuned.